The night my feet gave me the middle finger and screamed a big “F*** YOU!”

1 11 2008

“Shoes that are too tight or ill-fitting inevitably give you a tired and tortured look, which is hardly the impression an elegant woman wishes to create” – A Guide to Elegance, Genevieve Antoine Dariaux

When I was a little girl and used to visit my grandmother, I would wince every time I caught a glimpse of her feet. Wawa, as we called her, was blessed with flawless skin kudos to her Filipino genes, and when she passed away at 91, there was not one wrinkle on her beautiful face. But her feet told another story, with hideously gigantic bunions that caused her second toes to permanently place themselves on top of her big toes.

I always wondered how she managed to still don heels at her elderly age. Despite wearing low heels, the bunions that festooned her delicate and soft feet, appeared harrowing. And to think she had various operations to remove them, I cannot imagine just how much pain they caused her.

Hereditary in my family, my mother also suffers from bunions, though not yet to the extent my grandmother suffered. My mom is perhaps much more careful in her choice of footwear so as not to aggravate the protruding bone. She is so careful, it’s to the point that I am still receiving constant lectures from across the country, regarding my love for stylish shoes that are nothing short of brutal for my feet.

You see I used to think my feet were invincible. Bunions? Pfft.. Bunions to me were a thing of a very far-away future, painful and ugly deformations that I would acquire when I reached my grandmother’s twilight years. Low and behold at 22 years young, I am now quietly suffering.

My theory on ridiculously high heels in all shapes, materials and sizes is quite simple. If you choose to wear shoes that are criminal to your feet, then you suffer the consequences quietly. On a night out on the town, I don’t believe in taking your shoes off, no matter how agonizing the pain or how red-raw the blister. Removing ones heels and walking about the streets barefoot in an expensive dress is something to look down upon. A lady never takes off her shoes in public. Not until she is in the comfort of her own house. I would never even DREAM of removing my shoes until I have reached the safety of my bedroom, let alone whining loudly about the world of pain I am in. These thoughts of hell I would rather keep to myself, why let on to every Tom, Dick and Harry about how much you are suffering to look so damn good? The art of looking every bit amazing, should be effortless.

But looking amazing has started to take its toll, thanks to the help of a pair of über-hot heels in my wardrobe that are inspired by these fabulous Alexander McQueen’s:

Incredibly short space at the front of the shoe to squeeze 1/3 of your foot into.

It all started a couple of weeks back when on the night of a close friend’s birthday, I had to pike and go home early, at the silly hour of 1am.

After years of abuse and hours upon hours of non-stop dancing til six in the morning on various club floors throughout the past five years, my poor feet decided to give me the middle finger. And it was a rude shock indeed.

Believe it or not, my feet are not separate entities, they are one. Two souls in one body. They know their job, and they know the drill all too well: dance until the sunrise and the shoes come off when we get home, even if that involves walking home. But for the first time ever, they couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the drill. They gave me the middle finger and screamed a big ‘FUCK YOU’ to boot.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I could no longer appear cool, calm and collected. When the clock struck midnight I turned into one of those girls I promised myself to never become. Those females that whinge and whine about the immense discomfort caused by their poor choice of footwear. You know the ones. After almost another hour, I just couldn’t stay out anymore. My bed was calling me, and it was getting louder and louder by the second.

When I got home that night, it was then that I accepted defeat. A competitive and feisty young lady, I do not like to lose in any situation. But that night (11th October 2008 to be precise) I sadly lost and will happily admit it.

Although a few weeks have gone by since then, I assumed my feet would return to their normal selves. There is nothing worse then embarking on a fabulous night out, knowing there is the potential for your feet to misbehave at any given moment. Especially on a date.

Unfortunately however, it seems to me that the parts at the very end of my body have clearly had enough. And I knew it was serious when running on the treadmill at the gym the other day (in sneakers, of course…) and the bunion on my right foot started to ache.

So what’s a girl to do? Stress? No, that causes skin break-outs. Cry? No, waste of Diorshow mascara. Slap her butt down on the couch on a Saturday night to give her feet a rest and blog about it? Probably so.

I don’t believe in quitting, it’s not ingrained in my genes to quit. Quitting equals failure and I don’t believe in failure. Failure is unattractive and hardly fabulous. So yes, I will continue to be stupid and wear stupidly hot and fabulous heels. An operation is inevitable anyway, and I’m only 22 for Pete’s sake. Still young, carefree and frivolous. Besides, there is a whole season of sculptural heels waiting to be discovered…





Bitch, puh-lease… How hard is it?

28 10 2008

I find it somewhat intriguing as to how some females leave their house and embark on their day looking disheveled and filthy. I am unsure as to whether this may be their objective or not, but really, it’s unappealing and hardly attractive. Crimes against looking half-decent include the following:

  • CHAPPED & FLAKY LIPS

Unless you are stuck in the middle of Antarctica without so much of a chance of making it back to civilization, there really is no excuse for chapped, flaky lips. With the amount of lip balms out there screaming ‘TRY ME! BUY ME!’ chapped lips are a definite no-no. Furthermore, applying lip gloss or lipstick to dry lips is a lost cause and a waste of product. The solution for this is simple. Go and buy a pot of Carmex.


Neither Blistex nor Chapstick are as effective as Carmex, and certainly not LUCAS PAW PAW either, which merely glosses your lips like Vaseline. Carmex on the other hand, hydrates seriously dry and chapped lips with its active ingredients of camphor, menthol and phenol. Put some balm on before you sleep at night, and in the morning you’ll awake to super soft and luscious lips. So simple, you wonder why women seem to get it so wrong.

  • LONG TOENAILS

Talons on your feet? Trying to resemble a vulture? Vultures are ugly creatures (see below), as are ostriches and emus: other creatures with talons.

Also disgusting really, when you consider the dirt and bacteria that accumulate underneath the toenail itself when you’re wearing open-toed shoes or thongs.

  • CHIPPED NAIL POLISH

Whether this be on your toes or fingers, chipped nail polish, and with black varnish at that- is something to be left for the likes of Marilyn Manson, Courtney Love (another lost cause) and Britney Spears on a bad day. Inappropriate and cheap-looking, it takes two minutes tops, to get some nail polish remover and bring your nails back to their natural state. So simple really, unless you’re aiming for that trashy look. Sorry to say but I don’t think looking trashy has ever been cast as a fashion trend.

  • SCALY SKIN

Unattractive. In one word, that sums up what scaly skin on a female body looks like. Unless you’re addicted to ice or are simply scratching your skin to the bone to pass time, there is no excuse for this. A great selection of loofahs and exfoliating mitts are available from The Body Shop, and there is a whole word of body moisturisers out there waiting to be discovered. Not all of us can afford La Mer so our friends at Nivea should do in the meantime. Moisturising your skin prior to leaving the bathroom after your morning shower should be second nature! C’mon! It shouldn’t be such a mission to look after your body… who knows, you might need to earn money from it one day.

  • EYELINER THAT COVERS YOUR ENTIRE EYELID

In case you haven’t been reading the latest trashy celebrity magazines every week, Amy Winehouse is a lost cause. Shame really considering she has such a great voice. Her beauty routine though, is also a lost cause:

I don’t care what anyone says (seeing as though this is my blog), but her eyeliner application is effing appalling… horrific to say the least! Therefore attempts to look like Miss Winehouse should be left for a costume party, if that. It looks:

a.) trashy

b.) like you have NO idea how to put on basic make up

c.) trashy

d.) plain silly

e.) trashy

Either learn how to apply liquid eyeliner properly or spare yourself from looking like the above and don’t bother at all! If you do bother however, you might want to wait for your eyeliner to dry for a minute or so. I’ve seen way too many cases of liquid eyeliner that’s dried itself near one’s eyebrow. Not attractive much.

  • BODY ODOR

Pure filth. Refer to my post regarding this issue right here.

In the words of Coco Chanel, “A girl must be two things: classy and fabulous”. Commit any of the above sins and feel free to fall seriously short of being either of these things, let alone half decent. Mademoiselle Chanel would have a fit if she knew the state of personal grooming these days.





Un-fabulous and really absolutely ridiculous

7 10 2008

If I had one dollar for every item of make-up lost on nights out, I wouldn’t have to work for the rest of my life. Recent losses in the last month include YSL’s Gloss Repulpant Shiny Lip Plumper (Glossy Nude), 1x M.A.C  Lip liner (Spice), 1x M.A.C Eyeliner (Tarnish) and 1x M.A.C Lip gloss (Florabundance). Absolute joke!

In truth I am quite careful with my maquillage, thus I don’t know how I manage to come home sans my latest purchases. Seemingly contradictory I know, as if I were so careful then I wouldn’t lose anything in the first place. Just how they manage to fall out my handbag/clutch is beyond me, and just who they end up with is also beyond me.

The worst bit? They aren’t items I use on the rare occassion, they are staples to my everyday beauty routine. It’s like walking out of the house without your keys and purse. Absolutely essential. Sigh.





Sugar, Sugar, Sugar… why don’t you f*** off into space?

22 09 2008

My body at the moment is like a time-bomb on the verge of exploding. The past six months has seen me consume more than one’s fair share of sugar. Young and frivolous, I am surprised I have do not have diabetes.

My addiction to sugar is like a drug addict’s love affair with heroin. Can’t get enough of it. I need to eat something sweet every, single day. It’s bordering on ridiculous, spiralling out of control. And my body is suffering. Never mind my teeth, in which nearly all have fillings. A typical hourglass figure, I carry my weight more so around my hips, ass and thighs. And God I am over it.

Like most women I have my hang ups over my body. I dream of perfectly smooth skin and long legs a la Gisele Bundchen. What human being doesn’t? However I have no confidence or self-esteem issues because I am comfortable in my own skin.Yet my sugar addiction is wreaking havoc on the scales! And this is a continuous cycle for me, as my weight continues to fluctuate.

It is frustrating when you know what type of diet is best for your body, alongside the best type of exercise as well. I already have that all sussed and I know that there is no magical pill better than consistent exercise and maintaining a healthy, balanced diet. For myself, one that is rich in protein and low (not too low) in carbs.

But it’s my sugar habit that lets me down, and gets in the way of me reaching my weight loss goals. I effing hate it! So over this toxic substance, I am contemplating hypnotherapy to finally put it in its resting place.

I do realise it’s about willpower, and that it is a mind over matter situation. I know I can do it but when you’re in a rut of eating sugar like it’s going out of style, what’s a girl to do? Rant on her blog.

So I am going to post a few facts about how awful/crap/horrid sugar is, right here right now, just so I can have it before  my very eyes. My objective is to drum into brain how toxic sugar is for my body in the hopes it will finally (?) sink in.

  • Staying away from sugar = healthy, glowing skin. Dr. Nicolas Perricone believes that inflammation of the skin is the basis of aging.
  • High-glycemic carbohydrates such as pastas, bread and rice turn to sugar inside the body.
  • Sugar leads to obesity and tooth decay.
  • All types of dietary sugar (Glucose, Fructose, Sucrose, Galactose, Maltose and lactose) will usually turn directly into FAT.
  • Too much fat = Feeling ugly, lethargic and heavy.




There is NO EXCUSE for any female having body odor. EVER.

8 08 2008

Body Odor is one big fat, gigantic CRIME against all humanity. Not only is it nauseating, it is a sure sign that you are quite possibly an unhygienic person and in need of a damn good shower. Particularly, it is most unpleasant in confined spaces, such as on public transport; in crammed train carriages and buses. The worst is being driven in a cab by a driver who stinks to the high heavens.

We are drowning in a sea of scent, with the market today saturated with gazillions of potions and perfumes to suit your every mood and desire. Not to mention cater to your budget, deodorants and sprays available everywhere from your local 7-11 to your downtown department store. Whether you want to smell like Chanel No.5 or Dove deodorant, the choice we have is endless.

For this reason, there is no justifiable excuse for any female to have body odor. The application of deodorant after showering in the morning, and prior to embarking on your day, should be part of your beauty routine. If you don’t have a beauty routine, it should just be second nature anyway, as is regularly shaving/waxing your armpits hair.

Excessive perspiration (hyperhidrosis) is damaging to the noses of those around you, and often, vomit-worthy. It can be treated with antiperspirant deodorant (Mitchum is a v. good brand, if you are an athlete or go to the gym, as well as Nivea) or, if your case is that severe and you have the financial means, Botox is another solution. Treatment by Botox involves injecting into the sweat glands to disable them.

On another note, how women can leave the house minus a dab of perfume is beyond me. As her highness, Coco Chanel, once said: “I don’t understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little – if only out of politeness. And then, you never know, maybe that’s the day she has a date with destiny. And it’s best to be as pretty as possible for destiny.”





to the bitches who scan my gym pass….

29 07 2008

Go lose the attitude, you’re working as RECEPTIONISTS. You are THE FACES of Fitness First Darlinghurst. As a RECEPTIONIST and the FACE OF the gym, your job is to be polite, friendly, and helpful to club patrons. Not sulky bitches.

Because you working at reception and you represent Fitness First as their employees, it might be a good idea to TRY AND LOOK A LITTLE MORE GROOMED than you both normally do. Case in point? Both of you have horribly frizzy hair, so either learn how to blow dry your hair properly or go buy a ghd. One of you (the one with the blonder hair) also sports acrylic nails with an awful airbrushed design… honestly. There is a nail salon beneath the gym, and they charge $25 for a manicure. They do a good job, so take some advice from me and go get your nails fixed quick smart.

The taller, sullen looking girl should probably go to David Jones and ask one of the make up counters for some advice on choosing the appropriate foundation for her skin tone. Orange, sweetheart, is this:

Not an appropriate choice. If you don’t know how to blend your foundation appropriately, add it onto your list of priorities of things to do, because the orange ain’t doing you any favours. If a trip to DJs is too difficult then maybe this will do.

Now I know I did mention your hair before but seriously, if you are going to get foils in your hair then you might want to look them a bit more than you do. Scraggly-looking foiled hair is hardly attractive, so go buy some treatment for coloured hair or try a headband.

When you are announcing things over the PA, not only should you consider your choice of words but maybe also try to pronounce them CLEARLY… a muffled and monotone voice is hardly professional and you sound really silly!

Last but not least, SMILE :-) :-) :-)

It’s your job to look happy and cheerful. Even though you may not be deep down, just fake it… I’m sure it’s not too hard.